live through this… and you won’t look back

So, I finally realized what true heartbreak is.  And no, it has nothing to do with my husband, but the “other” love of my life, Collin.  Today was his first day with a new sitter, and boy was it rough on me!!  Most women can probably relate to the feeling of your feelings being absolutely crushed.  Heart just dug into the dirt by some man who doesn’t care or never cared, but for some reason, they just won’t let them go.  I thought I knew this feeling, but there is nothing in my life that can even compare to this heartbreak.  Seriously, I’m not being sarcastic.  Collin is the second love of my life, and to see him not need me just broke my heart.  Wow, have I gotten mushy!!

Of course I want an independent, confident child, but nothing could have prepared me for today.  Leaving him truly tore me down emotionally, but I know its for the best and nothing but good will come out of this.  I can’t be a hovering mom anymore.  I guess I need to just suck it up and allow him to grow…. he’ll thank me in the long run.

oh, but enough about me

The taming of the hands that came back to life….. great song…. great band.  I guess I’d have to say that I became enamored with Spencer Krug when I first heard the intro beats to “you are a runner and I am my fathers son” some years back.  Sheer genius.  One of those albums that stay heavy in rotation for many a year.  Lots of meaning behind most of Krug’s songs.  A favorite, “I’ll believe in anything” which apparently is his way of saying that society is so desperate in its efforts to find something to hold on and believe.  A truthful song without a doubt….  reminds me of what a great society we live as I watch MSNBC’s coverage of OJ Simpson and Brittney Spears.  Brainless.

Lets see… any other songs from my previous lives that I know have deep meaning??  Yes, “twenty-four” by Switchfoot.  Great song with great lyrics.  I remember listening to this song when I was 24 and there were so many life changes going on with me then.  “I’m not copping out”…. something that resonated pretty loudly with me at that time.  But as we all grow older, I guess we are supposed to grow up as well, right? 

Yeah, 24 was a pretty crooked year.  Keep your eyes peeled for Pardon My Blues.

and so it seems, only in dreams

We finally moved into our new house.  It is an exciting and remarkable experience.  Lots of happiness flow through well in our house now.  It seemed like this time last year was one of the most difficult times for me and Chris.  Going through any struggle just makes the end result that much better.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had my internet connected… tears.  However, I still toy with the music I do have on my pc.  I’m starting to get restless for some new stuff, and killing whats in circulation now… it seems like we were bombarded with the greatest releases at the close of 2007, now theres nothing.  I’ve been kinda stuck here lately on Okkervil River’s “mixtape” and Neutral Milk Hotels’ “On Avery Island” and don’t know where to go from here.  Any suggestions??

The lowest bitter

The holidays are a wonderful time.  Family, food, friends, drinks and the mere “act” of giving.  I mean, who doesn’t like receiving gifts?  But its not really about the gifts themselves.  You get what you give… in life, not just during the holidays. 

2008 is just around the corner and I have had one of the strangest years of my life!  Ups and downs, ins and outs, wins and losses….  but I stuck it out.  January of ’07 I was a mom, and nothing else mattered anymore.  Of course the freedom is lost to an extent, and the selfishness I once harbored is slowly fading, but I don’t envy a thing right now.  What I do know, is that I must have done something really great in my life to deserve what I have.  Have I done some rotten things? Why, yes, I have…. still, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I lived life, and for that I can not apologize. 

In life, we do what we have to do.  Try not to make stupid decisions that you “don’t regret.”  Practice what you preach, don’t be a hypocrite, most people see right through it.  I find it okay to laugh at who I was 10, even 5 years ago.  Little do we know, right?  I have stumbled in my journey quite a few times, but the key is to accept it for what it is.  You get what you give.  Holidays remind us of what great, or not-so-great, people we have become.  Being surrounded by so many people who all love me for who I am makes me think I did pretty good.

Somebody owes me something, might as well be you

So I decided to list my own personal “best of 2007.”  I don’t do films because I haven’t the time anymore.  However, I DO do music because that is my hearts desire.  My little boy turns 1 today 🙂

1. Bjork  – Volta
2. Beirut – The Flying Club Cup
3. Bowerbirds – Hymns for a Dark Horse
4. Spoon – Ga, Ga, Ga, Ga
5. The National – Boxer
6. Seabear – The Ghost That Carried Us Away
7. Radiohead – In Rainbows
8. The Cribs – Mens Needs, Womens Needs, Whatever
9. Sunset Rubdown – Random Spirit Lovers
10. The Dowry – The Circus and the Sea
11. Art in Manila – Set the Woods on Fire
12. Five O’Clock Heroes – Bend to the Breaks
13. The Figurines – When the Deer Wore Blue
14. Interpol – Our Love to Admire
15. Apples in Stereo – New Magnetic Wonder

My honorable mentions are:  The Octopus Project’s “Hello Avalanche” and Great Northern’s “Trading Twilight for daylight”

Hands down, the realest thing I know

So my son just celebrated his “close-to-first” birthday last weekend.  I was so happy.  It’s weird seeing how much things change once you’ve had a child.  When I was pregnant with him last year, I used to joke and say he was my little parasite and I was his host.  But in reality, that’s pretty much how it is.  The baby depends on you and your nutrients in order to survive.  Now, he is walking, feeding himself, and talking some.  I love it.  And I love being a mommy.  I don’t particularly like how mothers in society HAVE to be “motherly” because that just isn’t me.  On the other hand, I think moms that try too hard to be cool with their kids are making spectacles of themselves.  No one wants to see 45 year old skin.  NO ONE.  I want my son to need me and be able to depend on us no matter what, but I never want to have to make excuses for him.  I want him to be just as proud of his parents as we are of him.

Hopefully his life will be full of excitement and adventure and he will never taste the bitterness of disappointment.  As far as music and culture are concerned, he will have his own tastes.  But more than likely they will be fed by me.

Love’s not a competition, but I’m winning

My two-year anniversary is coming up in a month or so, and it makes me realize how much my life has changed and improved on the same note.  Improvement is good, right?

I can firmly say, I have never been on the “back-burner” for any man ever.  Especially the man I’m married to, I’ve just had it that good in my life that I’ve never had to wait around for someone.  I would think that being on the back-burner doesn’t feel so good, you’d always wonder if his heart was still with someone who was too good for him.  Which leads me to another reason I am so happy in my marriage….

I am totally in love and confident with the man I married.  I have never given anyone in his past a second thought.  Why?  Because I know that I am the greatest thing that has ever happened to him, not his second choice.  I have never felt threatened because I set the standard in his life.  Anyone before me was just to pass the time.  This goes the same for me.  There was never anybody of any importance prior to Chris and he knows it. 

That, my friends, is the beauty of waiting for the right man to come into your life and sweep you off your feet.  Falling in love is a beautiful thing.  It is not to be confused with just sharing the same bed. 

whats the weight of the world worth to ya?

All we see on tv is celebrities going to rehab.  That is what is considered cool, apparently.  I recently watched a VERY disturbing episode of Intervention on A&E and was shocked that it did NOT have a happy ending.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but addiction doesn’t only affect the “afflicted” but those surrounding family members as well.  At least that’s how I see it.

Fortunately, I realized that I do not feel sorry for addicts, nor the people that enable them (read family).  I watch these people on these shows act like animals (monkeys, dogs, rabid cats, etc) and feel absolutely nothing for their well-being.  Why?  Well, I don’t empathize well with poor decision making.  We all make decisions on a daily basis, every. single. person. 

I’m paying hard earned tax dollars for women who have too much sex that yields several children they can’t feed, I’m paying for criminals to have a nice place to sleep and workout, I might as well be paying for crackheads to recover safely… all so that I can sleep better at night.  Rehabilitation is for the person/addict to choose/decide.  I commend those who find a healthier way to live, but I don’t lose sleep over the hundreds of people that take their last breath on a hit of meth. 

Decisions people, make them wisely.  Back when I checked, we are all born out of the same birth canal, and are given the same chance at life.  Only the weak blame circumstance on what pathetic people they become. 

The empty sigh

I hate people, in general.  Well, maybe not everyone in the world, but I hate those that discourage.  During my run today at lunch, I encountered yet another car that wouldn’t get out of our lane.  Its a three-lane road going one direction, you’d think they would have the common courtesy to move over.. especially since there is never any traffic. 

The mere fact is that no matter where you go, there are those that hate people who have drive. 

try to imagine a careless life

Enjoy something amazing today, I love Beirut!!!